To cut or not to cut ... that is the question

I'm contemplating having the "seizure surgery." It's hard to think of having an ELECTIVE surgery on your Brain, but sometimes it's hard not to...


There's always that lingering fear that a seizure will happen, and where I might be when it does. If one happens, and the DMV gets word of it, I lose my license for 12 months. - One whole year of trying to rely on some of the most unreliable people. That, in itself, is terrifying. 


I've had my seizures under control, for several months, and that's security. Yet, my doctor looked at me and said: "I was thinking for you, long term, and there's a surgeon I meant send you to." Now that didn't give me the warm fuzzies, but maybe it's something to consider. A life on 2,500 milligrams of anticonvulsants, a day, may not be the best option. 


There's no guarantee that this surgery will even work. Essentially, it is just cutting out the section of the Brain, where the seizure originates. There is a chance that the surgery will do nothing, or even make things worse. I ask myself if it's a risk worth taking. 


Part of me wants to do it, because I have the choice! Back in '03 when I had that Hemorrhage, I had no say. All of those decisions were made for me. I was, blissfully, unaware. I remember waking up, after being in a coma for five days, and not understanding what happened. I could not wrap my head around the magnitude of what I endured. I didn't feel the swelling, in the whole right side of my face. I didn't know that I slept through five days of my life. It all came together, my first day home: I had walked into the bathroom, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror - the whole right side of my head was shaved. Both of my eyes were black and blue. The swelling had not completely subsided. I was not prepared to see any of that. I felt ugly, I felt like so much had been taken from me, and appearance reflected that.  I almost didn't care, that I could still speak and see. All my cognition was still intact, but I pissed that I had part of that decision. 


This time, I'd be saying "Go ahead and shave my head!" "It's OK that you may leave me without the ability, to speak, move, think ..." "I don't mind that I'll have a hell of a fight ahead of me." "I believe in you enough to allow you in my head." More importantly, it would say: "see I can do it all over again!"


So I guess it's not JUST seizure control I'm seeking!  - Yes, I'm a control freak!