This is what happens when you let your guard down

"Taniya, you need to let your guard down." My sister told me that last week. A statement in a way that only she could say. The sarcastic tone, and almost judgmental way she said it made me want to kill her.


Of course my guard has been up. You walk one day in my shoes and tell me you would not be guarded. I've spent my whole preparing myself for rejection.  There is rejection in all aspects of life, yet being in a position of always having to "prove" yourself amplifies the sting.


I get so tired of trying to be good enough for whatever, or whoever I desire.


I've loved ONCE. For two blissful years, I felt I found my person. I had an understanding ear, an open heart, and a shoulder to cry on, just for me. I let my guard down, and felt loved. More importantly I felt loved unconditionally.  I felt that our bond was unbreakable, and transcended all this physical crap I've always worried about.


I hate the fact that my whole life has been marked by a big proverbial "BUT" ... She's in a wheelchair, BUT she's smart. She's a "little person" BUT she's pretty.  She's handicap BUT she's independent. I don't want my whole life to have that "in spite of tone."


I didn't feel that with him. I just felt that we were. ... not that he loved me in spite of our differences. He just did ...


Our bond was breakable, and so was my heart. So naturally my guard has been up. There's a little brick wall all the way around it. 


"Let it down" was not even a consideration ...until my sister said it. It felt almost like a challenge, so I took it on. 


I met a guy, online, and we made arrangements to meet at the movies. A nice enough date ... he paid for tickets, held doors me, held my hand during the movie, and we shared a small kiss at the end of the night. "Call me tomorrow, and let's do this again" is how we parted. 


I sent him a few text, but haven't heard from him since that night. The guard is back up, because now I feel rejected ...

The end of a decade...

Things have been up and down in the past decade: I must say that I'm glad it is coming to an end. I changed, I grew.  I hurt. I loved like, I fear, I'll never love again. I lost the only thing I had of value ... my mom. That loss forced me to stand on my own two feet: that rendered me weak and helpless, before it lifted me up and made me strong.- stronger.


For the first time in a long time I felt desirable. If I tell the truth it was the first time ever. I was hit on in a parking lot (of all places) We exchanged numbers, and he wants to take me out. My guard is up ... I'm afraid. There's this small part of me (OK a bigger part than I'm willing to admit.) that fears the little disabled person. The person who, for years, felt "un-datable" for much of my adult life. There has been only one man to make me feel like a woman, and not a "little" woman. And then one day he figured it out ... he realized beyond an emotional connection there was much I lacked - physical superficial attraction.


I went out New Years Eve, and had a great time. I flirted with every man in the place. (I mean OVERTLY flirted!) One guy even called me the most beautiful woman in the place. God that felt good. Then suddenly it made me feel terrible. I found every reason to not accept it: he was drunk. He was looking to take ANYONE home. He was into the novelty of talking to a "midget." Why could I not think that he honestly thought I was beautiful? Why was that so hard for me to hear?