Moving mountains

I recently began a rapport with someone, incredible. I wont apply the pressure of saying he "inspires" me me. But I can say that he makes want to be a better version of myself. Occasionally the topic of mountains comes up. I can't help but see the beauty in that metaphor, as it applies to the human condition.

The most glorious lie ever told is that self belief is all you need. Society perpetuates the story of "The Little Engine That Could." - "I think I can, I think I can ..." It's a resounding untruth that is forced upon most of us. Especially, those of us who face any challenges.  Here's what we're not told: Self belief without actual application is just a dream, that will probably never come to fruition.

We are all standing before a mountain. Regardless of the size we are all staring directly at some mountain. And there we stand with all the faith and that we can get past this mountain. We believe we can. We have that faith someone or something will get us to the other side of this mountain. Some of us stand there and scream "Get out of my way!" Some of us get frustrated and emotionally cave to the grandeur of this thing before us. We doubt everything we thought about ourselves. Because we stand here believing in ourselves and in our abilities, but this mountain wont listen. We can't get it to move!

Here's the truth: This mountain can't move. It is a part of the earth, a formation that existed long before  we got here. We'll never be able to make it move, and we can't magically walk through it. The only way to the other side is to take the long trek up: become bruised, watch the calluses form and allow yourself to feel your grip to hold on. You'll most certainly feel the ache, and fatigue but you don't stop, because you know you'll fall and all the previous work will be for naught. And when you think you cannot make another move you realize you're at the top. From there you can scream to the world: "I am bruised, and I am tired, but I am now as strong as I BELIEVED I was. Then with very little effort you descend the other side. And there you stand seeing things unfolding that were previously blocked from view. Undoubtedly, there will be another mountain. It won't necessarily be any smaller, but will be far easier to climb. The strength, courage and endurance that blossomed inside you, as a result of that first uphill climb has set you up for the next one, and the one after that .... and thus success is achieved. And the world will look vastly different from the opposite side of every mountain you climb. So don't tire yourself out screaming, and begging for that mountain to move. Take  all you have right now, strap it to your back, grip tight and start climbing.  

What we leave behind

When our tombstones are carved they will inevitably have the date we were born a ----- followed by the date of our death. We all know the date on which we were born. Our loved ones will sadly know the day we died. But who will really know the   -----? What seems like a pointless way to separate those two dates is really everything that we've done in between.  That dash interrupts who we were when we we arrived from the person we were when we died. That represents an entire life  lived. Who will know, or care about that "space.?" I think everybody wants to leave behind some kind of "legacy" We all have the desire to be remembered, and to mean something. Therein lies  our quandary. 

At it's root what does it actually mean to "mean something?"How many people must one impact, or share themselves with to feel like they've meant something? The answer to that question is there is no real answer. We're bombarded with images of people who, in our eyes, mean something: Men contracting the Ebola Virus trying to help children, who have it, in Africa. Veterans returning from a war, most of us know little about. Commercials of people wrapping wounded puppies in blankets while a depressing  Sarah Mcgloghlin song echos eerily in the background. Then we're moved, and touched, and sometimes even envious of these glorious beings that are doing things that will ultimately "mean something." It's a vicious trap that is so easy to get caught in.

I'm extremely guilty of this. I've always known that whatever I do would be great. But I also knew that I needed it to be profound, and have a huge impact. As far back as I can remember I've wanted to change the world.  When I was nine I sat in my parents kitchen, with my Smithsonian Chemistry set convinced I was going to find a cure for AIDS. With every bubbling reaction a created I believed I was on the cusp of saving lives. I ignored the fact that every bottle in that set had a label that read "Warning harmful if swallowed."  For years my quest for greatness marched on. I wanted to find undiscovered planets that I'd tell NASA about, and ultimately have named after me.

Was I a narcissist or just really naive? Perhaps a little of both. The quest to mean something and impact people is at the core of who I am. Yet I'm forced to question why I want it on a grand scale. When I'm gone I have a desire that everyone knows what that dash between my dates of birth and death meant. And that is where I've gone astray. 

I saw a man at the gas station, the other day. I asked him to help me with using my debit card at the pump, because I can't see the screen. He graciously gave me assistance, and in a roundabout way told me he hoped the 5 dollars he had would get him home to Farmingdale. I knew with the price of gas 5.00 would barely get him down the street! I thanked him for his help and ran inside and paid the clerk 10 dollars for that man to have an additional 10 bucks worth of gas. That man was extremely grateful, and thanked me more times than I can count. When we parted ways I knew, regardless of how infinitesimal   I had meant something. In that small act of kindness I had an impact on someone's day. 

While little things may not be life changing, or world enhancing. They do make the world a slightly better place. It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said:  "The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” 

    

The "I" word.

I've been reading and hearing a lot of talk about use of the word "inspiration." The opinions vary, as much as usage does. Some within the "disabled" community find the word "degrading" in a sense. While others feel it is an endearing compliment. I know you can't play on both sides of the fence, but with this subject I do. 

I've always, strongly, hated being called an inspiration for doing things that were naturally expected of my peers. When people called me an inspiration for going to college I'd cringe. The implication was that  I couldn't or wouldn't achieve such a "normal" milestone under, what others viewed, as an "abnormal" existence.  What those people ignored was it was (is) my existence. it was all that I have ever known, therefore, I saw nothing abnormal about it.  I lived/live the life I was given. What's so abnormal about that? So don't be inspired by my trips to Target, or my ability to have an average day, just like yours. 

The word "inspiration" can often be "crippling" What is so ingrained in me, at this point is: I can't falter. I can't fail, I can't quit on anything. Why? Because the first half of my life has served as demonstration of "overcoming", to family, friends, and people who barley knew me. Just my getting in my car, and getting on the highway has inspired somebody. So it often feels a normal moment without great achievement lets down the world. I'm struggling through a Chemistry class, and I want to drop out of it. Someone actually said "But you've already been through so much!" Big deal! I have been through alot, but I don't want to go through Chemistry! I know that image of failure, or my giving up pulls away some of my "inspiration" status for you.   

I once said I've never done anything special. I believed ] that anyone would have done the things I did if they had to. That  was some naive attempt at humility. The truth is: No, not everybody could weather my storm ...That's why it was my storm. But what everyone can do is stand back up in the middle of their own storm. Wether or not they do is a choice. 

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In the appropriate circumstances and for a valid reason the word inspiration is a compliment that touches me deeply. Ok, yea my graduating college with honors, the same year I  almost died from a cerebral hemorrhage might be inspiring. But what touches me most is when a kid, from one of the classes I've spoken to. A young boy, the target of bullying calls me inspiring and wants a hug. I know there is purpose and legitimate reason for him saying that. Or when someone who has intimate knowledge of the path I've walked says it, I'm overjoyed. That means that person has watched me fight, and validates that I've made good choices, and when it all ends my struggles have meant something, to someone I value.

Where outsiders have seen strength and determination, my family saw insanity. My family watched me ignore,medical advice, make up my own rules, and do drastic things with the hope that it would all work out. That, somehow, it would all be worth it. 

So if you're going to find inspiration find it in the fact that I live my life, Not in the fact that I live my life despite the way you THINK it could have been lived. Driving a car, being in college, having a social life, none of that should be inspiring. Nor do I want these things to serve as some "power" that someone uses in their time of great trial. Admiration and insipation are two very different things.  You can admire my character and attitude without  thinking my life can provide some footprint for you to follow, simply because I get up every morning and plant my feet on the ground. Because I'm pretty sure you do that too!