What a tease

I never want to be the woman who whines and cries over everything that's wrong. Things don't always go according to plan, and this past year certainly was no exception.

After living over a year of seizure freedom, the came back. The fear I held deep within me materialized.  I had one solid year of living without that, ever present, looming thought of: "please don't let me have a seizure." I was stripped of that security in October, during a Chemistry test. (As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Chemistry!) There was one seizure, which I prayed was only a "one time deal" until the next one came, and then the next. Before I knew it I was right back where I started.

I put my life on pause for four months to have this surgery. I lived this full year thinking that I was "cured." The recurrence of the seizures definitely was disheartening. I almost didn't know which way to turn. I knew that my doctors were the only ones that could help, but part of me felt like I had let them down.  It may be my affliction, but we set on this path as a team and it failed ...

I got upset, and "licked my wounds" when I needed to, but I never regretted it. I'd do it all over again if you asked to. In fact, I just might have to ...

There are no definitive answers right now. No one why I'm still having seizures, where they are, now, coming from or if they can be cured. I'm heading back into the O.R. tomorrow for some further testing. Eh, a few electrodes in my Brain for a few weeks ... no big deal! Ok, so it's not quite that simple, but I've undergone a lot more invasive procedures.

I'm not afraid, mad or upset. I'm just annoyed by the uncertainty. I can't live my life in this state of limbo. I don't want to walk on egg shells. I don't want to have to confess to professors "I'm epileptic and stress can trigger me to have a seizure. So don't be alarmed if I start convulsing during midterms!" So if I am "curable" they'll cure me. If I'm not, they'll treat me, and I'll wait for the next scientific breakthrough and see if that helps. But either way I need to know. I need a period at the end of this sentence. The book may need to remain open but we can end the sentence.

Updates to come ...

Just when I thought maturity prevailed

I'm use to walking through crowds or entering a room filled with people, I don't know, and getting those obvious stares. In most situations I don't even notice anymore. Ironically enough, I think, I was stared at less when I was in a wheelchair. Nonetheless, I'm not effected by it. However, sometimes  the people I know and love get angry and offended. 

Just the other day I was walking through campus with a friend, and a group of girls passed us. Once they thought I was out of earshot one of them said to the group "Yo, see I told you there was a midget that went here." A chorus of snickers followed. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. My friend, on the other hand, got extremely upset. She was nearly ready to fight. 

I'm 32 years old, and to even entertain such stupidity is beneath me. I got through most of middle school and all of high school without dealing with that level of immaturity. The last place I thought I would have such an encounter was a collage campus. That's when I realized it's not about maturity. I don't even think it's about ignorance, anymore. (Turn on TLC any night of the week and I guarantee you will see at lest 3 reality shows staring "little people.")

I may stand alone in this, but I think most of it is misguided curiosity and surprise. While most people are not so "vocal" about it, I'm smart enough to know that's probably the internal dialogue behind many stares. "Yo, I told you there is a midget that went here." translates to something more like: Guys there's a little person that goes here. I wonder why she's little. I wonder how she gets here. I wonder how she does in classes. She's smart enough to take college classes? - And that is where curiosity begins to feel like immaturity. These are questions that should be asked to me. The assumptions and the fabricated answers are ridiculous. 

I'm not making excuses for inappropriate behavior. Snickering, and pointing are uncalled for and inexcusable. However, I've been 4' tall since I was about 7. I've spoken to enough schools, answered enough questions, walked through enough crowds and entered enough rooms to know that there's something more than just a bunch of ignorant people in an immature world. That's, truly, why stares don't bother bother me!

And guess what ... I've had moments of curiosity too ...