???

I question everything. I break everything down to it's simplest form, in hopes of securing an answer. Somehow, I always come up empty.  I thought I found what I wanted to do with my life, and then I began questioning that. Do I really want to go into medicine? I studied theatre, and with every fiber of my being wanted to be a director. I gave that up. I gave up. That's not me. Taniya doesn't give up. Taniya's dreams have changed for 30 years. Every second, of every day I feel like I should be doing something else.


I've never been enough, and I feel like I'll always search for "enough." I've waited for something to "call" me. I knew when I heard that call I'd know exactly what I should do, and where I should go. - I would just know, right? 


 Then I watched my mom die. I made every decision, as I watched every labored breath she attempted to take. Every piece of information that I could find, I pulled. I spent countless hours on the Internet, and reading books. I spoke with every doctor I knew.  - that was a challenge. I called, and called, and called again. I left countless messages until I received calls back. I violated HIPAA laws.- I snuck peeks at her chart. I memorized the information, so I could go over it with every doctor who did call me back.  I saw her before, during and after. And then I held her hand when she died. - That's when I heard my "call." If I could: get that invested in my mom's medical treatment, look and every wound, and read every gory detail, of someone much more than a patient ... I could be treating patients. 


So what? OK I can handle blood, and death. I still felt that I was making a rash decision. Maybe I just wanted to "fix people" because I couldn't "fix" my mom. Maybe I simply, wanted to save families from feeling the hurt I felt so deeply. After all: I only wanted to act so I didn't have to be the girl in wheelchair. Then I learned that I couldn't act (how I wanted) because I was the girl in the wheelchair.  So then I didn't want medicine, either. 


Recently, it all became so clear. That "call" became a scream. OF COURSE YOU NEED TO BE IN MEDICINE! - NO you don't want death! You want life. More importantly, you want your life. That "scream" came in the form of someone two feet and more than 20 years younger than I. I've heard that before: "embrace OI, and see yourself in the children that need to be seen. To simply say: "I've been there," negates the magnitude of what I have to do. 


This world was not made for me. I learned a long time ago, it won't adapt for me. I have to adapt to meet the challenges, life presents. It's easy for any doctor, to say: "I've treated this before." "I've seen this." I've grown up my whole life with those doctors. Where's the professional who can say : "I've had this done." "Yes, it will hurt like hell." "No, it's not going to fix everything, but I KNOW it's worth it!" I always wanted a Doctor who understood. It's not all all about medical terms and scalpels. Where's the empathy, and compassion....


A four year old showed me , that's where I come in!