Well well ...well ... I'm back.

It's been quite some time since I last posted. "I'm too busy." I said. Yet, somehow I found time to take online surveys, earning amazon and Walmart gift cards. I'v taken countless Facebook quizzes. I now know what type of onion I would be, what Disney princess I look like and what color my soul is. Sounds real busy, huh?

The truth is I haven't been inspired, and I ran out of words. How many ways can I say I'm now a badass woman who once upon a time was terrified by her own reflection?

Last night, I realized my 22 year old self, reared her misguided head, and I hadn't noticed. Through the proverbial rear view mirror I was forced to confront some of my decisions over the past two years.

At 30, I threw the Molotov Cocktail that was filled with the insecurities of high school, and rejections of collage. I watched it explode and burn before me. I had never felt more liberated than I did the day after my 30th birthday party.

Around 35 I went from getting dressed up and thinking I looked "nice" to thinking "Damn I'm hot!"

In the fall of 2016 I met someone, who I'd admired from a far for a decade.That person made me feel beautiful in the most intimate of ways. I wasn't too small. I wasn't too scarred. I just was. In an instant I thought this person "gets it." He was physically and philosophically my equal. I thought this person could be the Yin to my Yang.

I never communicated that. Our communication was sparse, at best. So I assumed any  talk of Yin yangs would be a bit premature. So I did what I do so well .. I acted. I tried to meet him where I THOUGHT he was. I was not my authentic self, because  I assumed  what he would want was a slightly altered version of who I am at my core.

I heard through the grapevine that he found his yang, and she is closer to to who I truly am, than I was two years ago.

You can't claim self love while trying to reshape yourself to fit inside the crevices of another's mind. The two can't coexist. I can't love my scars and try to scrub them off at the same time. I can't share my desires if they change depending on the audience in front of me.

One must not confuse growth with change. Growth is an organic process that should be embraced. Change is something mechanical that requires effort. Great thought is needed to  "change." Growth can happen when when you're not even paying attention.

Always grow but never change.