I haven't had the most productive "love life." Of all the things, in my life, that didn't fit into the mold of living "normally" my love life is the one that plagues me the most.
It was in high school that I realized that having a disability may actually put me at a "disadvantage" where men and relationships were concerned. It worried me a little, but I was only 16. I had plenty of time to deal with those issue. Never did I think that on the cusp of my 34th birthday I'd still be dealing with this.
I was talking with my best friend about dating and the desire to find "Mr. Right." "It's not easy being a 4' tall woman and finding someone to see beyond that. I know I'm not "standard." Those words fell right out of my mouth without my even noticing. It wasn't until I was alone, that night, in the quiet of my mind that I realized I verbalized those thoughts. While those are feelings I had, they were also feelings I kept secret. Even when those feelings were my reality I never uttered those words aloud. To share that with someone made me vulnerable to some confirming and solidifying the way I felt.
I live my life with unmatched confidence. I've broken boundaries and overcome obstacles with ease and grace. I always thought I embodied the cliche of: I get knocked down and get right back up. Yet when it comes to love and relationships my self-esteem is crippled. The confidence I pride myself in, is replaced with doubt and fear.
I was in love, with a man who said "I love you." No one had ever said that to me before. I had finally heard it, and those words resonated so deeply in every cell in my body. My heart was feed, as I heard "I love you" on a daily basis. I was having a love affair with the idea of being in love. When that ended my heart was shattered. He actually said "I'm too superficial for you." At that point everything I thought I thought I believed about myself and my world were now just fragmented questions. I'm just like everybody else. Was I, really? I'll eventually meet my prince charming. Is that possible? People see beyond physical differences once they get to know you. Really? Who are these people, and on what planet do they exist?
So I took everyone's advice and "put myself out there and tried "dating." How else do you date in 2014? You join dating websites and go on a bunch of awkward first dates at Applebees. Every date or initial first meeting, at a coffee shop, was my campaign to be seen for who I am. We'd ignore the elephant in the room. And that goodnight hug, would be some poorly choreographed "routine" that started with me wrapping my arms around some man's waist, and ended with him crouching down on one knee. (and not with a ring!) After all, it looked rater odd and inappropriate for my head to be inches away from a man's crotch in the doorway of some restaurant. So naturally a true gentleman (or any man that didn't want our encounter to be anymore "strange" and uncomfortable.) would prefer to crouch on his knee.
There was never a "natural" way to address that elephant in the room. What could I say? "Yea, I'm 4 feet tall. And yes I drive. Sure, I live a normal life. Yup, sex is a possibility ..." And run off the rest of the list of things I can do? So made sure it was known and accepted ahead of time. I updated online profiles to include that I had physical differences, and if that would be a problem or something that couldn't be accepted let's not waste each other's time. Or if met someone at a bar or Starbucks I'd openly preform my daily "acrobatics" to climb up on the stool or reach the straws, and things like that. As strange as it is, it was may way of saying: "yea, I'm different but I handle it." If you can get a guy to still chat with you after you've used the corner of his stool to push yourself up on yours, you can be sure he got the message.
However, being blunt and open has also backfired. Now what I'm getting in return is the tongue in cheek "you're the perfect height" joke. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I'd be able to retire tomorrow. Most recently I heard "I always had a fantasy of being with a little person. Would you wanna go out, and maybe make a baby." So now I'm some kinky fantasy? I can't win!
