Drowning

The girl who always got everything right, wanted everything perfect is now drowning in a sea of her own perfection.


This is not to imply that I'm "perfect," because lord knows I'm not. However, I faked perfection well! I lied to myself, and the world. I chased after "A's" as if my life depended on it. I didn't care about the grade! I cared about being better than all the rest. I cared about "beating out" the masses. In many situations I did.


When there was situation, in which I came up short: I pulled it. That closely guarded trump card was there for moments like this.


You got an "A", while I got a "B." Well I had an Intercranial Brain Hemorrhage Little miss "A" can't say that.  You got cast in the lead, while I'm in the chorus. Guess what: In the chorus I'll be dancing and I wasn't even supposed to walk! You're getting married? Well there's a guy in my life who makes breakfast by my side, even though I'm 4' tall (OK so you beat me there!)


These were never used as excuses. These were simply my ways, in which I can't be beat. But now what.  I'm caught up in myself created delusion that I've beat out the world. However, it's a very insulated world in which I lived. It's been a world filled with people who watched my feats, and cared: a world that accepted I'd always have "one-up" on them. 


Now there's a school in which 1,800 people will compete for 44 spots. When someone beats me in this arena, I wont care about 91 broken bones in my past. That wont numb the failure. The people who can beat me now are faceless and nameless.  That terrifies me. What else do I have to erase any future failures? 


Failing: I'm terrified of failing. Nothing rocks my core, more than a failure. nothing cuts my soul like rejection. 


I feel over my head: trying to get a date. wanting to go to school, needing to find a job. I'm overwhelmed. I'm shaking, and it's not the coffee. I'm drowning in my need to feel better than someone. I need a counterpart, willing to fail in front of me to erase my own inadequacies. 


How terrible does that sound? 

The girl in the airport ...

I've reached a point where I'm not happy for the people I love. As terrible as that sounds, I just can't be. I sometimes feel consumed by envy. I never went through this phase, when I was younger. I guess that leaves me entitled to feel it now. However, in this minute it feels all consuming. I'm caught in a swirl of everyone else's good news. I want to be happy for them. I want to rejoice with you because you have: great children, a beautiful home, an awesome boyfriend, a husband that treats you like gold, a job you love, a career you always wanted, a family that adores you ...

So while I stand here watching all your planes take off, I'm stuck with a delayed layover ... 

It's today

It's April 10, 2011. Today marks 8 years since my "rebirth." Essentially 8 years ago was the day I was going to die.  It was clear, I was dying. As I lay on that gym floor, falling in and out of conscience I knew I wasn't well I also knew that I was too weak and powerless to do anything about it. I had almost succumb to the situation, that was about to be. 


I've been asked what I was thinking, and, feeling laying on that gym floor. I wasn't thinking anything. I was so oblivious to what the world around me. I was feeling excruciating pain. It was pain that seemed to encompass my entire body. The totality of who I am was wrapped inside a Migraine. I do recall a fleeting moment, in which I thought: "Someone needs to find me!" I could not tell you how much time lapsed between that thought, and that thought materializing. 

I soon saw Niki and Vanessa standing above me. Vanessa's long hair was tickling my nose, and she was all decked out in her costume for Anything Goes." I was trapped somewhere between pain, surrealism and a musical! That pretty much summed up all of my time at Five Towns. 


Niki and Vanessa kept asking me questions. The biggest was "what's wrong." I wish I knew. I couldn't move. I couldn't think, I couldn't talk and, I felt no pain. I was in a moment of no pain, and no fear. With all the frantic questions and actions happening around me, I didn't have the thought  process to be afraid. I finally got enough energy to tell them where to find my cell phone, and he to call. After that I checked out. I don't know where I went, or what happened, until several days, when I woke up. 


I still can only know what happened based on stories that are relayed to me, and the small amount of medical documentation I was provided with. The story goes like this ... 


8 long weeks of Migraines culminated in, what was, an intercranial Brain Hemorrhage, that was about to take my life. I was dying on that gym floor. I got to Stony Brook Hospital, with only hours to live. Quick decisions, and trust, an 11 hour surgery and a 3 day medically induced coma and here I am.


 I don't even think Vanessa or Niki even realize how instrumental they were in me being here. I still, to this day, have no clue how the two of them knew to come look for me. Hell I can't even figure out how it ended up being the two of them. This all took place during a costume fitting, for Anything Goes. How the actress and the Stage Manager ended up together, is beyond me. And their mutual decision to "find me" still blows my mind.


They made a decision to save my life, without even knowing. 

I'll stand by you

I heard I'll stand by you, tonight, and it was as if it were the first time I'd ever heard that song. Obviously, I've heard that song multiple times in pop culture. Yet tonight, it resonated so loudly. Each lyric pulsed through my veins. I remember the last time I heard that song, and felt that.

The summer of 2007 was one of the lowest moments in my life. I sat trapped ... trapped in a house I could not leave and stuck in a body I could not move. I was paralyzed by external fixators, protruding out of, both, my legs. I had no choice but to sit there. I tried to exist among the metal and gauze. No mater how hard I tried I got lost within the situation. I felt alone. I felt scared. I felt worthless. Last but not least, I felt invisible.

And there was mom. Amid all my tears she stood in the doorway of our kitchen and sang. That woman belted out I'll stand by you. (boy, did she let her inner diva out.) That's a memory I'll never forget. "...Won't let nobody hurt you ..." - She never fell short there.  Moms are real good at protection, aren't they?

In more ways than one, I'm free. I'm free to leave, move, walk, and anything else I may want.  With that comes the responsibility of standing by yourself.