Invisable

It's so hard to feel like "nothing." In a world full of "somethings" I feel like I'm not even seen. I feel expendable. There's a purpose that I severe for a short period of time- when that service is over, I'm fade into the background of life.


Eventually, after years of fading you become non-existent. That's where I am, and who notices? No one! How'd did I end up here? I was some of everything, and suddenly I'm all of nothing.  I wanted so much, but I got nothing. As much as I was sure, I was equally confused. As much as I was confident, I was extremely insecure. I don't know who I am, because of all that I tried to be.


I'm in love with a man who'll never be in love with me. I long for a career, which I've been trying to find for ten years. Those are things I've, almost, accepted I'll never have.  Some might call that "giving up." Some may call it "facing reality." I view it somewhere in between.


How be do you become "something?" College didn't do it. Job after job is not doing it. Friends won't do it. Men won't give me the opportunity to do it. So I do what I do. I chasing the things that seem unattainable. I push beyond my limits. I defy my comfort zone. I make the world uncomfortable, so I can make the world let me in.


I got in. I fit in. Now I just need to be something within.

Personality in waves

I sit here in this hospital room, trying to keep myself awake. Finding myself alone, bored and mentally exhausted.

-This is not ortho
- This is not Heart
- this is not even a true hospitalization. - I'm here being monitored, in the hope of finally getting my seizures under control. Something that has been ever evasive for the past five years. This feels like ghost hunting, of sorts. There is all this technology, recordings in multiple mediums all with the hope of "catching" something.

So I sit and wait. When the waiting become unbearable: I sit and I watch. The EEG monitor is right in front of me. So for hours I've been watching all the peaks and valleys that comprise my Brain activity. I sit in awe as I wonder what each line means. What the spikes and deeps of the thin black like means. I almost wonder if who I am can be revealed in those lines. - I doubt it, but it's still neat to wonder. I've tried altering my thoughts and actions to watch the changes in that rhythmic black line. Needless to say, I have no clue what I'm looking. Like a ghost if it's there I can't see it. - That's the frustrating part of this whole thing ... of my whole life. Never being able to see what was coming next, or what was happening right in front of me. One door lead to another and another and ... before I knew it I was deep in this rabbit hole. A maze of endless tests, medical mysteries and miracles all at the same time.

As I was reviewing my medical history with an admitting nurse here, we reached April 10, 2003 - The day that essentially brought me here. That's a day I celebrate and loathe every year. That was day of my Brain Hemorrhage, and subsequent surgery. - As we reached the end of my tale, she turned and said " You're very lucky. That scenario, typically end well." - She may be right, but there's no telling yet- I am not in my final act. How do we know that, that false ending was not just another door inside my rabbit hole?

I often wonder where my story will end. When will I be out of "war stories" to tell? I want the day when the most exciting story I have to tell, about the prior year, is how wonderful my trip to Tahiti was. 

My Neurologist commended me for "living a normal life" in spite of the threat of having a seizure, at any moment. To that I had no response. A mere chuckle was sufficient. I don't live a normal life, and I'm OK with that. Let's face it: the standard for normal does not entail fighting to keep yourself awake until 4am, while having your head feeling like a sixth grade Science project. 

I go through every day living my life. And today this is my life, and tomorrow may be something else. Good, bad or indifferent, there will be something else. Like the lines on the monitor before me. - The only thing that is constant is that the wave changes - every single pattern, is not a pattern at all. It is more of a rhythmic mosaic. That, almost, poetically sums up my life.

Today it's Brain Waves. Tomorrow it might be a Seizure. Next month it could be a broken leg.

But one day ....

It will be Tahiti 

I got this great pair of heels, the type of heels that everyone notices, and compliments you on. I wore them for the first time today. I felt so sexy, as I put them on and walked out my front door. However, as the day wore on I started realizing just how "unsexy" I actually looked. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection on a glass door- I felt ridiculous. I thought I looked great, but I realized that I "waddled." I was walking like a penguin. I don't walk with the most grace as it is and the 3 inch heels just mad that blatantly obvious.

I went from feeling hot to feeling awkward in 15 seconds. And to top it off: the shoes hurt like hell!!