Must learn when to cut your losses

When you're in your formidable school years, friendship is everything. You lose yourself in your relationships with others. It's easy to find yourself at a point where you define yourself by who you know. The more schools I speak at, and the more students who reach out to me, it's clear how vital this is. 


It's easy to advise that the importance of these relationships lessen as time passes. That's not the case. Nor is that the advice I give. I'm 31 years old (goodness, I'm 31!!) and still find myself wanting to get lost in other people. I find myself engaging in mindless gossip, and immature conversations. I'm taking pre-med classes, yet I still concern myself wanting to know who is dating who. Really? I have Statistics homework to get done, and I care which one of my friends had sex last night? These where the conversations that centered me, among my friends, 15 years ago. 


It's easy to condemn yourself, or others for such immaturity. What I've learned is that this is not immaturity at all: It's a subconscious longing to cling to who you thought you were. When you define yourself, or lose yourself in the abyss of other people it's hard to let go. When everything you think is true, is exposed as a mirage, you have to question everything. - It's like the pair of size 3 jeans that I keep at the bottom of my drawer, with the hope that someday they'll fit again. (They've been there for 2 years!) No matter how cute, wonderful, or comfortable: some things just don't fit anymore.


When that happens you have to remember that you've grown "bigger." The people, conversations, and the simplicity is just as small, and unimportant as it's always been. - I can't tell you how to rationalize that, because I haven't decoded that, myself. Although, I do know it is the most "real" thing you can do for yourself. 


Engage yourself in things that you must continue to grow, in an effort to reach. We so often cheat ourselves to remain with who and what is familiar. I've kept myself "safe" by doing this. In that safety you stifle yourself, subconsciously. I've been there. I am there...


A guarded heart protected, for safe-keeping, for some who will never return. A box filled with notes written to a 15 year old- Ramblings of nothing unspoken by a 15 year old. Like the size three jeans, these are things that will never fit again. 


To the girl who tells me: "I don't fit in." I have this to say: You do fit in somewhere, and someone fits with you. Lose yourself in that, that's part of being young. We all need to see ourselves in something, or someone. But what you must know is as you grow, cut your losses, and fortify your identity. At some point you will need to face a mirror and see yourself in YOU. - That's a position that takes years to GROW into. 

 

If I verbalize it it makes it so?

I registered for classes, at Farmingdale. I'm in: Bio, Chem and Anatomy and Physiology. Crazy isn't it? I know that I have just about everything set to go, but I still am clinging to the "emergency exit door." I'm committed, but not "invested" yet. I still thought about backing out. I knew that I could if I wanted to. 


The other day someone asked: "are you still looking for a job?" Without thought I replied: "I'm only looking for something part time, because I'm going back to school." - I guess I am, no invested. I let the words just fall out of my mouth. It was effortless, and subconscious. So that's what I'm doing ... 


I'm terrified, I'm 30, and I'm confused but I'm going back to school. That seems so crazy to me. Especially the fear part. I can't remember the last time that I've been this scared. - this "over my head."


Then it's hard watching all my friends move forward, while I stand this stagnant. There are: fiances, new apartments, living on your own, new babies and first houses. Am I pushing all these away to "go back to school?" Will I ever have these things? How long can I live in my dad's house? (NOT much longer!) I don't want to be the 40 year old woman, casually dating, explaining away my lack of a family with the cliche :I was busy with my career." 


Back to the here and now: I'll be starting school August 27. Who would have guessed that the girl who was labeled "disabled," underestimated in school, and thrown into "special ed" would become the woman who is about to enter a Pre-med program? 


I could say I always knew but that sounds cocky, doesn't it? I did always know that I could, and would arrive at this point ... what I did underestimate was: how terrified I'd be when I got here!