I never want to be the woman who whines and cries over everything that's wrong. Things don't always go according to plan, and this past year certainly was no exception.
After living over a year of seizure freedom, the came back. The fear I held deep within me materialized. I had one solid year of living without that, ever present, looming thought of: "please don't let me have a seizure." I was stripped of that security in October, during a Chemistry test. (As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Chemistry!) There was one seizure, which I prayed was only a "one time deal" until the next one came, and then the next. Before I knew it I was right back where I started.
I put my life on pause for four months to have this surgery. I lived this full year thinking that I was "cured." The recurrence of the seizures definitely was disheartening. I almost didn't know which way to turn. I knew that my doctors were the only ones that could help, but part of me felt like I had let them down. It may be my affliction, but we set on this path as a team and it failed ...
I got upset, and "licked my wounds" when I needed to, but I never regretted it. I'd do it all over again if you asked to. In fact, I just might have to ...
There are no definitive answers right now. No one why I'm still having seizures, where they are, now, coming from or if they can be cured. I'm heading back into the O.R. tomorrow for some further testing. Eh, a few electrodes in my Brain for a few weeks ... no big deal! Ok, so it's not quite that simple, but I've undergone a lot more invasive procedures.
I'm not afraid, mad or upset. I'm just annoyed by the uncertainty. I can't live my life in this state of limbo. I don't want to walk on egg shells. I don't want to have to confess to professors "I'm epileptic and stress can trigger me to have a seizure. So don't be alarmed if I start convulsing during midterms!" So if I am "curable" they'll cure me. If I'm not, they'll treat me, and I'll wait for the next scientific breakthrough and see if that helps. But either way I need to know. I need a period at the end of this sentence. The book may need to remain open but we can end the sentence.
Updates to come ...
