This is what happens when you let your guard down

"Taniya, you need to let your guard down." My sister told me that last week. A statement in a way that only she could say. The sarcastic tone, and almost judgmental way she said it made me want to kill her.


Of course my guard has been up. You walk one day in my shoes and tell me you would not be guarded. I've spent my whole preparing myself for rejection.  There is rejection in all aspects of life, yet being in a position of always having to "prove" yourself amplifies the sting.


I get so tired of trying to be good enough for whatever, or whoever I desire.


I've loved ONCE. For two blissful years, I felt I found my person. I had an understanding ear, an open heart, and a shoulder to cry on, just for me. I let my guard down, and felt loved. More importantly I felt loved unconditionally.  I felt that our bond was unbreakable, and transcended all this physical crap I've always worried about.


I hate the fact that my whole life has been marked by a big proverbial "BUT" ... She's in a wheelchair, BUT she's smart. She's a "little person" BUT she's pretty.  She's handicap BUT she's independent. I don't want my whole life to have that "in spite of tone."


I didn't feel that with him. I just felt that we were. ... not that he loved me in spite of our differences. He just did ...


Our bond was breakable, and so was my heart. So naturally my guard has been up. There's a little brick wall all the way around it. 


"Let it down" was not even a consideration ...until my sister said it. It felt almost like a challenge, so I took it on. 


I met a guy, online, and we made arrangements to meet at the movies. A nice enough date ... he paid for tickets, held doors me, held my hand during the movie, and we shared a small kiss at the end of the night. "Call me tomorrow, and let's do this again" is how we parted. 


I sent him a few text, but haven't heard from him since that night. The guard is back up, because now I feel rejected ...

The end of a decade...

Things have been up and down in the past decade: I must say that I'm glad it is coming to an end. I changed, I grew.  I hurt. I loved like, I fear, I'll never love again. I lost the only thing I had of value ... my mom. That loss forced me to stand on my own two feet: that rendered me weak and helpless, before it lifted me up and made me strong.- stronger.


For the first time in a long time I felt desirable. If I tell the truth it was the first time ever. I was hit on in a parking lot (of all places) We exchanged numbers, and he wants to take me out. My guard is up ... I'm afraid. There's this small part of me (OK a bigger part than I'm willing to admit.) that fears the little disabled person. The person who, for years, felt "un-datable" for much of my adult life. There has been only one man to make me feel like a woman, and not a "little" woman. And then one day he figured it out ... he realized beyond an emotional connection there was much I lacked - physical superficial attraction.


I went out New Years Eve, and had a great time. I flirted with every man in the place. (I mean OVERTLY flirted!) One guy even called me the most beautiful woman in the place. God that felt good. Then suddenly it made me feel terrible. I found every reason to not accept it: he was drunk. He was looking to take ANYONE home. He was into the novelty of talking to a "midget." Why could I not think that he honestly thought I was beautiful? Why was that so hard for me to hear?

Dodge and Weave

Tis the season to be merry ... 


I went t the grocery store on Friday. I had to buy a few ingredients for the Christmas Eve dinner I was cooking. (That cooking is a whole post by itself!) When I get to the store there was not a cart to be found! (even though Ashley Swore that no one would be grocery store, because all food shopping would be done already!) I ended up having to settle for one of those with the attached infant seat. Now, it's hard enough for me to see over and standard cart! In addition the front of the cart is where I, typically, put all my items. Being 4' tall I need to improvise so I can access everything.


Well, using a cart that I could not see over, coupled with piling all my items in a "seat," made for an impossible trip. No one moved around me like they should have. I was in this, perpetual, dance of dodge and weaving. Needless to say a few people go hit! Hey if you don't dodge, I can't guarantee that I'll weave in time. 


While, I was in the toilet paper aisle I couldn't reach the four pack on sale!! That's typically not a huge deal for me. I turned to a man walking toward me and said "Sir, could you please had me the pack of toilet paper right there?" His eyes looked up at the toilet paper, then darted to me. As he glanced back up to the paper he said "I'm in a hurry" and walked past me! Now, unless you had plans to meet Jesus himself, how much of a "hurry" could prevent you from handing me something!


Every shopping trip for me includes, at least, 3 strangers handing me things. I've never had anyone tell me NO!!! 

Is it wrong that leaving the store I hoped that he fell, forgot to buy something, ran out of gas or got a flat tire? I wanted something to happen that would really cause him to be late!! 

Mirror image

While Christmas shopping yesterday, I saw a woman. Not just any woman ... a woman like me. She was a "little person" (have I mentioned how much I hate that term?) But by definition she was. And she was in a wheelchair. In in an odd, and almost, awkward moment we stared at each other. 


In that moment I felt not alone. Judging from her smile I think she felt the same feeling. Running into another "Little person" is not like a red head running into another person with freckles. It was powerful and has far more energy.  There is a stronger vibrational pull between people who relate with other people who always stand out. No matter how hard we try to blend in. When you run into someone who stands out in the same obvious way there is a sudden sense of finally blending in. 

Ripples in a pond

I'm sitting here in Starbucks, job searching. After the hustle of the holidays I am enjoying the quiet.... well not so quiet. As I eavesdropped on a lady a few chairs away (Not all my fault she had that cell yell thing going for her!) I over-heard that she was a teacher. This was my opportunity, and man did I jump on it! I truly believe that you find yourself in the right place at the right time. 


I introduced myself to this extremely sweet woman, I explained that I was a public speaker, and offered to come in a speak to her classes. After a week of climbing on shelves, putting small children at ease, with my "short legs" explanation, I realized that this is why I was here. Not just here in Starbucks ... Starbucks is a reflection of a greater picture. My existence is. I'm here, on this planet, in this country, at the right time. 


In a world that is tearing its self apart due to diversity there needs to be the pillar that stands quietly in the center of the storm. I feel like it's time for me to e that pillar. I'm not overstating my life, or trying to present myself as some Joan of Arch. Believe me, I will not be burned at the stake for any cause! However, I have stood in the center of this for my entire life. 


I've found so much inspiration in people who have embraced the fact that they're different, and were willing to put themselves out there. 


Kyle Maynard, Joey Dipolo, Christopher Reeves, and and Kara Ayers have all been droplets in my pond. Thus, they have generated the ripples that are beginning to reach far beyond myself. I am greater than my four feet. The sum total of my life is not 91 broken bones, and 15 years confined to a wheelchair. I hope that those numbers eventually evolve into infinite lives touched and endless years of inspiration. 


I'll never change the world. (I've come to terms with that.) But perhaps I am here to change someone's world. 


The Onesoure door slammed on my face, and that was because this is the door that needed to open. Now that it's open ... I just need to step through it!

The sand is running quicker than I can catch it.

I feel like I'm running out of time. I'm not sure what the time that escapes me would be for. I just know that it's running out. I'm so behind the, proverbial, 8 ball. It took so long for me to get up on my feet (literally) that I lost so much time. Time to become ... I missed the years it takes to grow into yourself. So here I am, at 30 playing "catch up." I looking for a career, discovering who my friends are, and learning who I am. I'm doing all this while trying to forgive and let go of the people and moments that have harmed me.


The scars I bare ar on my psyche, as well as my body. For years the physical scars defined me. It was all I felt I had that allowed me to stand out. Many of my emotional scars are a direct reflection of the one on my body. They mirror each other, and I'm just now, learning not to look to that mirror to see a reflection of myself. 


So here I am ... 30 and free. I'm seeking the things that I was not able to seek before. And slowly, I'm earning them. One small discovery at a time. I stopped looking for the perfect life, because I don't have enough time to catch that all and once. I'm seeking the perfect moment.

Invisable

It's so hard to feel like "nothing." In a world full of "somethings" I feel like I'm not even seen. I feel expendable. There's a purpose that I severe for a short period of time- when that service is over, I'm fade into the background of life.


Eventually, after years of fading you become non-existent. That's where I am, and who notices? No one! How'd did I end up here? I was some of everything, and suddenly I'm all of nothing.  I wanted so much, but I got nothing. As much as I was sure, I was equally confused. As much as I was confident, I was extremely insecure. I don't know who I am, because of all that I tried to be.


I'm in love with a man who'll never be in love with me. I long for a career, which I've been trying to find for ten years. Those are things I've, almost, accepted I'll never have.  Some might call that "giving up." Some may call it "facing reality." I view it somewhere in between.


How be do you become "something?" College didn't do it. Job after job is not doing it. Friends won't do it. Men won't give me the opportunity to do it. So I do what I do. I chasing the things that seem unattainable. I push beyond my limits. I defy my comfort zone. I make the world uncomfortable, so I can make the world let me in.


I got in. I fit in. Now I just need to be something within.