"Taniya, you need to let your guard down." My sister told me that last week. A statement in a way that only she could say. The sarcastic tone, and almost judgmental way she said it made me want to kill her.
Of course my guard has been up. You walk one day in my shoes and tell me you would not be guarded. I've spent my whole preparing myself for rejection. There is rejection in all aspects of life, yet being in a position of always having to "prove" yourself amplifies the sting.
I get so tired of trying to be good enough for whatever, or whoever I desire.
I've loved ONCE. For two blissful years, I felt I found my person. I had an understanding ear, an open heart, and a shoulder to cry on, just for me. I let my guard down, and felt loved. More importantly I felt loved unconditionally. I felt that our bond was unbreakable, and transcended all this physical crap I've always worried about.
I hate the fact that my whole life has been marked by a big proverbial "BUT" ... She's in a wheelchair, BUT she's smart. She's a "little person" BUT she's pretty. She's handicap BUT she's independent. I don't want my whole life to have that "in spite of tone."
I didn't feel that with him. I just felt that we were. ... not that he loved me in spite of our differences. He just did ...
Our bond was breakable, and so was my heart. So naturally my guard has been up. There's a little brick wall all the way around it.
"Let it down" was not even a consideration ...until my sister said it. It felt almost like a challenge, so I took it on.
I met a guy, online, and we made arrangements to meet at the movies. A nice enough date ... he paid for tickets, held doors me, held my hand during the movie, and we shared a small kiss at the end of the night. "Call me tomorrow, and let's do this again" is how we parted.
I sent him a few text, but haven't heard from him since that night. The guard is back up, because now I feel rejected ...
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