Again ...

I got a call today, from my doctor's secretary. She wants to schedule a consultation with "your Neurosurgeon."  Yes, she actually called him MY Neurosurgeon.... Slow down people! I didn't sign any paperwork - YET.  I'm confident that this is the route I'm going down, but it's happening on MY terms, in MY time! - The first Brain surgery I had, was not within my control.


I woke up 5 days, after the fact, with a shaved head and my eyes swollen shut. I only know what happened based on stories I've been told, and follow up appointments I had. 4/10/03 is so surreal, and such a foreign memory. This time it's a reality and a decision. A huge part of me is so thrilled, that this is a choice I get to make. I feel so in control right now. But an equal part feels lost, and unsure.


I hear my doctors say: "we'll just remove the original plate, and that will give us access to the affected tissue." Holy shit, I have a plate in my head! - Oh yea, I've been down this road before. That was just a circle, because I'm here again!!! - Seizures were the souvenir from a "near death experience." That once felt like such a small sacrifice. That was before they started to screw with my life. That was long before I started forgetting everything, failing test, and having seizures in my sleep, taking 5,500 mg of anti epileptic drugs daily, and just feeling stifled in my own life.


I'm not afraid, as much, as I am worried. I'm worried about my memory. Memories of my mom are all I have left. I'm worried about my personality changing. I'm finally the woman, I love who I've grown to be that can change. I'm most nervous that all the key players aren't around: It's a brand new team of doctors to put faith in. My mom's not here anymore. She was my security blanket through all my surgeries. She was always the first person I saw as the Anesthesia wore off. - I'll actually mess all her over protective tendencies. Who will stand in the driveway, disapprovingly, as I drive off in my car post recovery? 


As stupid as it sounds: Ryan wont be there. Who will look at me bald and swollen, and still call me beautiful? Who else can I get to write a song about me, to lift my spirits? (ok maybe the song isn't that important!) But I felt: protected, safe, and cared for when I was outside of this house, with him. (much to Alex's dismay!)  Niki worked hard to make me feel like I still had it all together. She fought Jack, so that I could still feel part of "Anything Goes." She made sure that I didn't feel all the work I'd put into that show wasn't forgotten. 


The few original players that remain will greatly needed. (Ali, that means I will probably proclaim "you are the only person I wanted to see!)




Like all great revivals: the come back, years later, with a brand new cast ...