8/27/12

I booked my surgery for 8/27 ... I wish I could say it was a hard decision, but it wasn't. Most of my family doesn't support me in this. My dad even said "Is this really necessary?" Necessary? Is he serious?

Unless you've been held captive by a seizure, there's no way you can comprehend how "necessary" this is. The fear that, at any point in your day, your Brain can become incapable of control is intolerable. The fear is almost worse than the seizure. The seizure last 90 seconds at most. The fear goes  on all day, everyday. Everything I do, or place I go can turn into an extremely dangerous and/or embarrassing experience. It's like walking around drunk all day. Your liable to say or do anything.

When I was first told about the surgery I said "HELL NO!"  After all, my seizures didn't start until 2 years after the hemorrhage. Even than they went "away" for a year. Even when they came back they were mild. I was on 2 anti epileptic drugs, and was doing fine. Why go cutting into my head if I could maintain on 2 medications? and then ...

My seizures got worse, and more frequent. To combat that my medications got increased, and new ones added. I went from from 4 pills a day, to 16 pills a day: Totaling 4,600 milligrams of anti-epileptic medications. And even now, there's still a risk of me seizing. Looking back I wish I had have done the surgery then. If I did this whole fiasco would be over.

My surgeon asked me, yesterday: "If I do my job right, what with your life look like a year from now?" I couldn't say anything. (In spite of the weird neurosurgeon humor) I burst into tears. - If it looks better than it does right now than I win! That's pretty much the answer. If I can have that Margarita, without the risk of a seizure. I win! If I can drive without a lecture, and the risk of losing my license. Then I win! I I can lower the medications, to the point, where I don't forget that I left my car running in the driveway. Or when I can study for a test, and not score a 68. If I can be a 32 year old adult, and not need to sleep 15 hours a day. (and I'm not allowed to drink coffee.)

That's right ... life will look like life - It will look MY life again. Once I'm no longer an unwilling participant in this dance with seizures, I'll tell him he did his job right!

This surgery is not only necessary ... it's VITAL!