I'm going back to school. That is really no surprise, I've always loved being in a class. I knew that a Master's degree was in reach, and it's something that I want. Yet, I'm taking a Statistics that leaves me feeling so out of my element. I don't remember college math. Hell I don't remember college...
I don't remember feeling insecure and inadequate. I don't remember the strong fear of failure, and terror or those feelings! I can't recall the pursuit of perfection, and the crushing reality of the inability to have it. I can't remember the pressure, I held on my shoulders: pressures of my own design.
That's a lie: I've felt all the above yesterday. I remember far more than I would want to admit. I'm still the person who whats to be perfect, and a Master's program is not the place for that. I'm in one class and am already feeling the anxiety well up within me.
It's hard for me, because I always want to be the smartest person in the room.... or at least feel like it. - And now struggling in Statistics throws my intelligence under a microscope. But who's really looking? I think it's just me.
I'm not sure if I can cut it, in a Master's Program. I'm not sure that I'm not setting myself up for failure. If I jump head first into something that I'm not ready for I know I'll fail, or die trying not to. - That option is a burden in itself. It's a burden on me, before the semester even starts.
No comments:
Post a Comment