I registered for classes, at Farmingdale. I'm in: Bio, Chem and Anatomy and Physiology. Crazy isn't it? I know that I have just about everything set to go, but I still am clinging to the "emergency exit door." I'm committed, but not "invested" yet. I still thought about backing out. I knew that I could if I wanted to.
The other day someone asked: "are you still looking for a job?" Without thought I replied: "I'm only looking for something part time, because I'm going back to school." - I guess I am, no invested. I let the words just fall out of my mouth. It was effortless, and subconscious. So that's what I'm doing ...
I'm terrified, I'm 30, and I'm confused but I'm going back to school. That seems so crazy to me. Especially the fear part. I can't remember the last time that I've been this scared. - this "over my head."
Then it's hard watching all my friends move forward, while I stand this stagnant. There are: fiances, new apartments, living on your own, new babies and first houses. Am I pushing all these away to "go back to school?" Will I ever have these things? How long can I live in my dad's house? (NOT much longer!) I don't want to be the 40 year old woman, casually dating, explaining away my lack of a family with the cliche :I was busy with my career."
Back to the here and now: I'll be starting school August 27. Who would have guessed that the girl who was labeled "disabled," underestimated in school, and thrown into "special ed" would become the woman who is about to enter a Pre-med program?
I could say I always knew but that sounds cocky, doesn't it? I did always know that I could, and would arrive at this point ... what I did underestimate was: how terrified I'd be when I got here!
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