Sabotage

Do I self sabotage? The cards have always been stacked against me, on their own. Yet in some situations I feel like I knock them down and stack them higher. I get on a path of what I think I want, and at some point I stop and reconsider. 


I want to be a Physician Assistant- or do I?  I do. I know I do. Yet I'm coming up with every reason not to. I generally don't give into the: "it's too hard." Instead I'm facing "I want children." I'm too old." "I can't afford it." "I need to support myself." "I need to live on my own." All of that is true. But I also want a career. I struggle with how bad I want a career. 


I know people who have "jobs," and they make a decent money. Many are satisfied, even if only marginally so.  That's my issue - I don't want to just be satisfied, but I feel like I'm too far behind to be happy. 


I don't want to settle, but I feel like I've just been winging it. I set my sights, and then reset my mind. I did the same thing with theatre. I got out of college, and was offered small jobs. Not well paying jobs, but it was a step in the direction I was pursuing.  Am I going to do that again? Will I get another degree that I don't use? Am I collecting degrees? Is that I want to do. 


Do I want a bunch of degrees, just to say that I was able to get them.  Or do I get them, and really not know why I wanted them, 


Someone said that I may self sabotage everything I attempt. That's not it at all. I try to circumvent failure. I'm so terrified that I wont succeed. I guess, I'm not giving myself the opportunity fail. That also doesn't give me the opportunity to succeed.