Drowning

The girl who always got everything right, wanted everything perfect is now drowning in a sea of her own perfection.


This is not to imply that I'm "perfect," because lord knows I'm not. However, I faked perfection well! I lied to myself, and the world. I chased after "A's" as if my life depended on it. I didn't care about the grade! I cared about being better than all the rest. I cared about "beating out" the masses. In many situations I did.


When there was situation, in which I came up short: I pulled it. That closely guarded trump card was there for moments like this.


You got an "A", while I got a "B." Well I had an Intercranial Brain Hemorrhage Little miss "A" can't say that.  You got cast in the lead, while I'm in the chorus. Guess what: In the chorus I'll be dancing and I wasn't even supposed to walk! You're getting married? Well there's a guy in my life who makes breakfast by my side, even though I'm 4' tall (OK so you beat me there!)


These were never used as excuses. These were simply my ways, in which I can't be beat. But now what.  I'm caught up in myself created delusion that I've beat out the world. However, it's a very insulated world in which I lived. It's been a world filled with people who watched my feats, and cared: a world that accepted I'd always have "one-up" on them. 


Now there's a school in which 1,800 people will compete for 44 spots. When someone beats me in this arena, I wont care about 91 broken bones in my past. That wont numb the failure. The people who can beat me now are faceless and nameless.  That terrifies me. What else do I have to erase any future failures? 


Failing: I'm terrified of failing. Nothing rocks my core, more than a failure. nothing cuts my soul like rejection. 


I feel over my head: trying to get a date. wanting to go to school, needing to find a job. I'm overwhelmed. I'm shaking, and it's not the coffee. I'm drowning in my need to feel better than someone. I need a counterpart, willing to fail in front of me to erase my own inadequacies. 


How terrible does that sound?