Irony wrappeed in a contradiction

People call me "strong" and that sounds like nails on a  chalk board to me. I'm not "strong." (Or at least I'm not the personification of what I view as strong.) I falter, I crack, and allow myself to break. I feel things, and am unable to summon the words to express so  I push it down and wait for those feelings to subside. I grapple with moments, days, at times, weeks of feeling like I failed. I still find myself beating up for "falling short."

I liked being seen as "tough." I love telling my scar stories. Anyone who provides a listening ear will hear of all 91 broken bones, the blood and guts of a heart surgery, and the barely escaped with my life Brain surgery. The irony is that the things I feel validate my toughness are the very things that render my body weak and easily broken. How do I find the one ounce of toughness in my most fragile moments.

Courage ...

I draw on courage and my fearlessness. The outside world interpurts that as strength when, in fact, they are two totally separate things. I gave up strenth years ago, because that didn't get me anywhere. If I had a nickle for everytime someone told me "hang in there kiddo it will be better." I would be a self-made millionaire. I also would not have done ANYTHING. I'd still be holding on, with all my "strength" waiting for things to be "better" Things got alot worse long before they began to get better. I learned real young only courage can move you beyond your circumstance. All the strength in the world is useless if you're afraid. So lived by falling, and jumping back up KNOWING I would immediately fall again. I fell, and fell and fell. I had casts removed only to break something else on my way out the doctor's office. So I took a deep breath got a spaking new cast and tried walking out the doctor's office again. I taught myself to rollerblade while only being able to walk using crutches. And yes ... I fell ... alot!

I navigate the world staring at people's crotches, drive a car, while under treatment for seizures, walk through dark parking lots knowing I can fit inside a trunk, break bones and still take a jiu-jitsu class, wrestle with my neice and want to sky dive. I find myself more afraid of aliens, than any of my real life "dangers"

I'm composed of 2/3 courage and 1/3 fearless stupidity. However, this cocktail has gotten me through 30 years. I guess it works. It's so ingrained in me that I couldn't stop living like this, even if I tried.

So please save words like "strong." for people truly deserving. I'm just a woman, who started as a girl with an incredibly fragile body. A girl who over compensated for that by throwing caution to the wind and live each day, fearlessly believing that each time you fall it only hurts for a short time. Eventually you stop fearing falling and then it virtually happens without you even noticing ....