The "I" word.

I've been reading and hearing a lot of talk about use of the word "inspiration." The opinions vary, as much as usage does. Some within the "disabled" community find the word "degrading" in a sense. While others feel it is an endearing compliment. I know you can't play on both sides of the fence, but with this subject I do. 

I've always, strongly, hated being called an inspiration for doing things that were naturally expected of my peers. When people called me an inspiration for going to college I'd cringe. The implication was that  I couldn't or wouldn't achieve such a "normal" milestone under, what others viewed, as an "abnormal" existence.  What those people ignored was it was (is) my existence. it was all that I have ever known, therefore, I saw nothing abnormal about it.  I lived/live the life I was given. What's so abnormal about that? So don't be inspired by my trips to Target, or my ability to have an average day, just like yours. 

The word "inspiration" can often be "crippling" What is so ingrained in me, at this point is: I can't falter. I can't fail, I can't quit on anything. Why? Because the first half of my life has served as demonstration of "overcoming", to family, friends, and people who barley knew me. Just my getting in my car, and getting on the highway has inspired somebody. So it often feels a normal moment without great achievement lets down the world. I'm struggling through a Chemistry class, and I want to drop out of it. Someone actually said "But you've already been through so much!" Big deal! I have been through alot, but I don't want to go through Chemistry! I know that image of failure, or my giving up pulls away some of my "inspiration" status for you.   

I once said I've never done anything special. I believed ] that anyone would have done the things I did if they had to. That  was some naive attempt at humility. The truth is: No, not everybody could weather my storm ...That's why it was my storm. But what everyone can do is stand back up in the middle of their own storm. Wether or not they do is a choice. 

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In the appropriate circumstances and for a valid reason the word inspiration is a compliment that touches me deeply. Ok, yea my graduating college with honors, the same year I  almost died from a cerebral hemorrhage might be inspiring. But what touches me most is when a kid, from one of the classes I've spoken to. A young boy, the target of bullying calls me inspiring and wants a hug. I know there is purpose and legitimate reason for him saying that. Or when someone who has intimate knowledge of the path I've walked says it, I'm overjoyed. That means that person has watched me fight, and validates that I've made good choices, and when it all ends my struggles have meant something, to someone I value.

Where outsiders have seen strength and determination, my family saw insanity. My family watched me ignore,medical advice, make up my own rules, and do drastic things with the hope that it would all work out. That, somehow, it would all be worth it. 

So if you're going to find inspiration find it in the fact that I live my life, Not in the fact that I live my life despite the way you THINK it could have been lived. Driving a car, being in college, having a social life, none of that should be inspiring. Nor do I want these things to serve as some "power" that someone uses in their time of great trial. Admiration and insipation are two very different things.  You can admire my character and attitude without  thinking my life can provide some footprint for you to follow, simply because I get up every morning and plant my feet on the ground. Because I'm pretty sure you do that too!