Yield in order to proceed

I took my first test since having surgery (surgeries.) And of all the test that it could, it was a midterm. The moment the test date was announced is the moment I realized how truly worried I, about what I may have lost. I willingly gave up 3 weeks of classes so I know that I lost those lectures, and those notes. But I also may have lost things beyond my control? I needed to know that my academic cognition was still,  as I left it before surgery. My memory retention and recall would need to work. the word "midterm" carried he weight of all that. It also brought with it the reality that I, knowingly, risked all of that.

So much of my identity revolves around academics and how "smart" I am, and can be. I spent elementary straight through high school fighting stigmas, and misjudgments about my capabilities. So now I wear my GPA like some vindication badge of honor. I'd probably tattoo it across my forehead if they'd let me. Maybe that's why I'm 33 and still in school.

On the day of the midterm I stared down at that Scantron and thought to myself "Taniya, you better not have screwed this up for yourself!" I filled in my bubbles. Some I colored in with unwavering confidence, and some with dread. I went home that night and went over every question, I could, remember, in my head. I analyzed every question, searched through notes to try to find the potential answer. This was my effort to calculate which questions I definitely got wrong, and what my ultimate grade would be.

I got my test back on Wednesday, and I got an 88. If this had been a year ago I would have went home with my tail between my legs, completely dissatisfied. I spent hours studying, I lost sleep, and I stressed like crazy. It was at that point that I mentally slapped myself. Because if this were a year ago I would have still done all the above, and then had a seizure during the test.

This 88 was more than just a grade. This 88 is hope. This 88 is also proof that the gamble I took didn't cost me anything. I'm still "OK." it's too soon to speak the words "seizure free," but I can say that I got through an event that would often trigger a seizure, for me. (stress and lack of sleep.) and got through it "seizure free" and still have a brain that works well enough to get an 88 on a Neuroscience midterm. At this moment I can smile and say That's better than getting 100!!