I don't want to be a muse, and I certainly can't be your "hero."

Since I consented to a second to another Neurosurgery, my life has been a whirlwind: There have been test, request for more test, data collection and data review. The more I'm being taught, in school, the less foreign the language is. I know the law of Neuroplasticity. I understand hyper vs. hypo polarization, and I can interpret parts of my own EEG (not very well but I still got the gist.) There's a certain peace that is lost with gaining of knowledge. I guess that's why the phrase "ignorance is bliss was coined." Because it really is!

The question "why" has been hang off the lips, of just about everyone. Some let it be verbalized, and others just bite their tongue. Yet, I know they all want to know: "You had one failed Epilepsy surgery, why would you try it again?" Because any shot at success is better than no shot at all! I'd rather try and fail, than fail because I didn't try.

The other reason, and the one that is so hard for people to wrap their minds around: I find it so damn interesting! Sure, I'll have another test, but make sure I get a copy of the report. You can put pins in my legs, but I must see the X-rays!  I'm my own "laboratory rat." I've become my own muse. I want to create something beautiful, from my experiences. So yes, when the Neurologists and Neurosurgeon all agreed that they got it wrong The scientist in me said: "OK let's get it right." - I know I'll receive the direct benefits, from this surgery. However, this, all will reach far beyond me: When I can hold a patient's hand and say: "I understand" those words will hold truth. Or the day I put a cast on a little girls arms, and whisper: "Sweetie, I know it hurts." I wont be lying.

On the flip side of that, I'm no martyr. Nor, am I a hero. My professor called me his hero, and that was beyond awkward! That man, and his career inspire me everyday! I've accomplished what you expect most women, my age, to have accomplished.Sure the road I've traveled may have had more potholes than most, but I didn't do anything heroic! I just navigated my road well. When I eventually find the solution to world peace, or cure world hunger ... than you can call me your hero. For right now, just call me some relentless chick who became real good at falling down, and jumping right back up!