Self talk

It's vitally important that we are careful of how we talk to ourselves. The thoughts that we give a voice to become internalized beliefs and perceptions of ones' self.  I hear it all too often:

-I'm Broke

-God, I'm so stupid

- I got sot so fat over the holidays

- I'm SICK of this or SICK of that. 

-I can't take it anymore.

-This is KILLING me.

This list could stretch for miles. I'm not above any of it. I've found myself indulging in my fair share of negative self talk. We all go through phases where we hate our thighs or get frustrated enough to call ourselves dumb. While that might not be the biggest deal in the world the ideas that can take on physical manifestations are cause for concern. 

I remember, in 2004 the man of my dreams decided I was no longer the woman in his. I did all the cliche things you would expect to see in a Jennifer Aniston movie. There was lots of wine, tears, and moody depressing love songs vibrating the walls of my bedroom. There was also me proclaiming how "broken hearted" I was, to anyone who would listen. Boy do I have good friends because not one told me to shut up. 

Right before his birthday, in 2005 I ended up on an operating room table having my heart "fixed." Coincidence? Now, I'm not metaphysical enough to believe that I actually talked myself into needing heart surgery. However, I do know that the voice that kept screaming "broken heart" knew nothing of the sort, and all it did was make sure my energy was focused on being depressed. After all I was supposed to feel depressed, wasn't I? That's how the story goes right? That's what my voice believes. 

Like that word "suffering" That word is the bane of my existence! I'm a "patient" who has dealt with and fought off most of my medical conditions. But don't ever say that I "suffer" from anything. To suffer implies that you are a victim of. I've never been a victim of anything! 

Sure I have "Brittle bone disease" but I didn't "suffer" over 90 fractures. I broke 90 bones and/or recovered from 90 fractures. 

I don't "suffer" from epilepsy. I have epilepsy and my seizures are annoying, inconvenient, and right now they are interrupting my life. However, I'm still not suffering.

I can't let that voice start talking to me like that. Because the minute I buy into the theory that I'm some "victim" is the minute that I give up control. (Anyone who knows me knows I'm a control freak!) I control my body, I control my health care, and I control that voice in my head! 

It's impossible to turn off that voice, so I say hear it and then ignore it. When you hear something that you don't like you can always turn it down or off. The problem is when you don't actually hear it, you don't realize that it's always on as background noise.   

 

Taniya, when you had the stroke __________?

If I never have to answer a question that starts with "When you had your stoke" that would be too soon.

It was April of 2003. It was my junior year of college, and it was probably the hardest thing that I ever lived through. It was weeks of a psychological minefield. I was dealing with weeks of headaches ... debilitating headaches, which doctors scoffed at. Light was my vicious enemy so I lived in darkness. Just as frequent as my trips to the ER, were the recommendations to see a psychologist. Prescriptions for Prozac were placed in my hands as they patted me on the back and sent me home with "nothing we could find." They made me feel crazy. Until the night of the stroke, and 11 hours of sucking blood off my Brain no doctor believed me.  

As I sit here, ten years later all I can think is "Told ya so!" But of all the things I could be right about. I thought the initial recovery would be the hard part. I didn't know I'd still be answering questions about it. Nor did I know how much of my life would later be impacted. Once all was said and done I thought I was in the clear. I didn't know that two years later I'd crash my car into a tree, and be found unconscious, starting a new flurry of misdiagnosis and insanity accusations. I couldn't have known that, that single event was laying the ground for a path that I would have to continue to walk. I would never have believed that I'd let someone open my head 5 more times, and be considering a sixth.

So to answer the question: "Taniya, when you had the stroke ________?"  I knew it was something, but didn't know it would be all this.